I've been having very odd feelings. I'm not entirely sure what is wrong. But I'm feeling super empty inside. It really hurts. I just randomly cry a lot. The times that I am happiest is when I am with other people. But now I'm just home.. I am having a really hard time. Sleeping without a man to hold me. Not knowing what he is spending his time and money on. Not knowing if he is with someone else yet or if he is waiting for me. Not knowing what he's thinking and feeling. It is SO hard. I haven't felt this empty. I am getting to be so sad. It's hard to function. I am still very heavy and I haven't lost weight. I thought I did, but I haven't. I just feel like I'm a fat woman who just left the only man she'll ever marry. I KNOW that isn't true. Yet that is how I feel right now. It is so hard. I know I have a bright future in front of me. But I also just feel hopeless and sad. I miss him. I miss having him as my friend. I just am having such a hard time letting go. I know it is the right thing. It just feels like a constant battle between my weak heart and my personal revelation knowledge. I read a couple older journal entries in church today. One was about how terrible my marriage was about how I really did know the spirit told me not to marry him before I did. The other was about how much I love him and how much faith I had in our relationship. It is so hard to know that all of that hard work, love, and all the tears I put into our marriage are gone. It really feels like there is a hole inside my heart. I know it is the right decision. But sometimes it just really feels wrong. I'm feeling lost. Helpless. Like somehow, even though I know this is right, that it'd be so easy to run away and fall in love with him again. I can just imagine how good it would feel to just run into his arms and cry and hug and kiss. And yet, it'd get to be horrible again. I know he wouldn't change. And if he did, it wouldn't be because he would want to. It'd just be so that he can have me again.
Part of me is also kinda scared of him moving on.. It sounds so selfish. But I love that he does say he loves me. Even though he didn't show it sometimes, he really did love me. It really did feel like he cared about me and what I wanted in life. I want him to have a good life. I just am having a hard time of letting him go.
This feeling of emptiness I hope will go away eventually. I want to feel whole. I know that through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ I can be whole again. I am so thankful for my family and this gospel. I already can feel peace when I just say that He is there for me. I still have the emptiness, but I know that I will be ok.
Emmalyn
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Friday, July 1, 2016
Other things that have happened this week so far.
So after the craziness on Sunday things have mellowed out quite a bit. But still have been kinda exciting. Throughout the week Daniel called my dad at one point saying that he would sign any papers and do whatever he can to make me happy. I had a lot of confusing texts and voicemail's from Daniel. Some saying he missed me others saying that I ruined everything and made his worst nightmare come true. My dad and I worked on getting the the divorced papers signed and ready for Daniel to meet with a notary. Of course by the time we got that figured out, Daniel had other plans. He decided to say that actually he had conditions and needed to see me and my family face-to-face before he would sign anything.
Things started getting weird. He went to some of my friends house to just talk even though they were mainly my friends. He ended buying a gun (which he'd been wanting to do for quite some time, but not the greatest time to buy one..) and putting a tracking thing on my cell phone. Just lots of interesting things that didn't make a lot of sense. I thought it was going to be very hard to not text him or call him back, but honestly I haven't really had the desire to talk to him at all. I feel like I have tried my best and that I need to just move on and start over with my life.
Thankfully the only things we really had together was a checking account, savings account, cell phone bills and car insurance. Everything else was separate, including our car payments. No credit card debt, no home loan, etc. That was such a blessing in disguise. Out of the two years together we really never got anything in both of our names. We also obviously never had children. I am so beyond thankful that I felt so promted not to start a family with him. They process would be SO much harder and painful with little children in the mix. Plus, for the rest of my life I'd have to keep a small part of him in my life. But now I can truly cut him off and start over. I have learned a lot and I will have emotional scars, but eventually I will be able to get rid of a lot of it and never have to look back.
I had one checking account with the same company of our car insurance that I thought he wasn't able to touch. I pretty much gave him all the money since he was the only one working. But the money in that checking account was my money that I worked hard for. I got a call from them and it said he had taken all of the money and closed the account. Luckily I went on to my parents insurance, but I was just shocked and frustrated that he took the $600+ that I'd gotten from babysitting that I was saving. He kept all of the $3000 in savings, why did he need the rest?! Very frustrating. But oh well.
The most recent weird thing is that he has left at least 4 voicemail prayers. He will call and then say a prayer as if he is speaking to the Lord but I can hear.. I'm not sure what message he is trying to send. But it's kinda sad and creepy. I feel like he is trying to prove to me that he is getting a stronger testimony. But it's really sad that he is praying and reading scriptures now after it's too late. I hope that he is truly turning to the Lord. But I also feel like it's an act because that's what he thinks I want.
I'll be posting soon again. There's probably more I'm leaving out but I can't think of it right now.
Emmalyn
Things started getting weird. He went to some of my friends house to just talk even though they were mainly my friends. He ended buying a gun (which he'd been wanting to do for quite some time, but not the greatest time to buy one..) and putting a tracking thing on my cell phone. Just lots of interesting things that didn't make a lot of sense. I thought it was going to be very hard to not text him or call him back, but honestly I haven't really had the desire to talk to him at all. I feel like I have tried my best and that I need to just move on and start over with my life.
Thankfully the only things we really had together was a checking account, savings account, cell phone bills and car insurance. Everything else was separate, including our car payments. No credit card debt, no home loan, etc. That was such a blessing in disguise. Out of the two years together we really never got anything in both of our names. We also obviously never had children. I am so beyond thankful that I felt so promted not to start a family with him. They process would be SO much harder and painful with little children in the mix. Plus, for the rest of my life I'd have to keep a small part of him in my life. But now I can truly cut him off and start over. I have learned a lot and I will have emotional scars, but eventually I will be able to get rid of a lot of it and never have to look back.
I had one checking account with the same company of our car insurance that I thought he wasn't able to touch. I pretty much gave him all the money since he was the only one working. But the money in that checking account was my money that I worked hard for. I got a call from them and it said he had taken all of the money and closed the account. Luckily I went on to my parents insurance, but I was just shocked and frustrated that he took the $600+ that I'd gotten from babysitting that I was saving. He kept all of the $3000 in savings, why did he need the rest?! Very frustrating. But oh well.
The most recent weird thing is that he has left at least 4 voicemail prayers. He will call and then say a prayer as if he is speaking to the Lord but I can hear.. I'm not sure what message he is trying to send. But it's kinda sad and creepy. I feel like he is trying to prove to me that he is getting a stronger testimony. But it's really sad that he is praying and reading scriptures now after it's too late. I hope that he is truly turning to the Lord. But I also feel like it's an act because that's what he thinks I want.
I'll be posting soon again. There's probably more I'm leaving out but I can't think of it right now.
Emmalyn
The End to a New Beginning
I'm not really sure why I'm starting this blog. But I do know that I need an outlet in which I can vent, scream, cry and record what I am feeling. Hopefully to help others through a divorce and to help myself cope within the next few hard years that are ahead of me.
My name is Emmalyn. I told my husband of almost two years we needed to get divorced. Saturday the 25th of June was the day. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I received personal revelation at a young woman's camp for our church. I believe that I went off to this camp for a reason and that was so I could get away from the toxic relationship I was/am in and talk with my Heavenly Father. I know that God has been trying to tell me, even before I got married, to leave my toxic relationship and go off to do more in the world. I am a victim of emotional abuse. I have lived without the spirit of God in my life for about two years. It took me getting away to a calm spiritual place for a week to realize how much I was missing in my life. It took me getting away from that environment to notice how miserable, lonely, and depressed I had been in my relationship. I had a very low self-esteem. I have gained 30-40 pounds since dating him. I have had more self-doubt and loathsome thoughts about myself than I feel comfortable sharing. But that just became my reality. I never really realized how bad it got until I took a step back and felt like myself again. I've started losing weight within days of making the decision to leave him. It is so incredible to feel like I've finally acted on this prompting.
When I was at this camp, my responsibilities were to be a lifeguard and a camp mom. It was quite interesting that I got asked to be a lifeguard for this stake because I don't even go to church in this stake. But I guess they felt VERY prompted to have me there. People all week also told me they knew I was supposed to be there. I was very excited to be at girls camp with my twin sisters since I missed out on my only year I would've gotten to due to a severe car accident! I went to the camp and set up and everything. That first day in the first devotional I felt the spirit SO strongly and I knew I would get asked to bear my testimony. Right then and there I knew that week would change my entire life. I wasn't sure how and I didn't know what would change exactly, but I new my life was about to be dramatically altered. As the week went on, I kept receiving amazing spiritual revelations. Then one day Pres. Leptich, (the stake president at that time) pulled me aside and wanted to speak with me about how my family and my marriage were doing. I knew the spirit had prompted him to ask because I immediately started to cry. He listened to me talk about my marriage and how excruciatingly hard it has been. I remember quite a few things he said. But I'll just talk about three. First off was Marriage should be THAT hard. That really hit home for me. I feel like I have always known that marriage would be really hard. I always knew that it wouldn't be a piece of cake. Yet all throughout my marriage I felt like I was doing something completely wrong. Like I was always wrong. Everything was always my fault. We did counseling and it'd always be about me. I realized that maybe marriage shouldn't be THAT hard. It shouldn't feel like I'm worthless and have nothing to give to our relationship. It shouldn't feel like I have ruined everything just by trying to help. I know that everyone makes mistakes. I just also know that if you are trying to work things out with someone, you have to be humble enough to recognize your own faults and not just blame everyone else for your problems. The second thing he said was that Daniel sounded like a Project Husband. Now, that means that for the rest of my life, I would be working on him. I would be working on him physically, emotionally, spiritually. But I would never truly receive the love, spiritual growth and respect that I deserve. So every time a child would be born, it'd somehow be about him. Every time I'd write music, he'd try to be selfish about my time or get mad that it'd not about him. Eventually, who knows if it'd turn into being a project just to get him to go to church. I noticed that in our marriage. We never consistently prayed or read scriptures together. We only went to the temple twice in our whole marriage. We only paid tithing a handful of times He wouldn't wear his garments. Etc. etc. etc. For the rest of my life I would squash my dreams and goals to work on him. God has put me on this earth to do incredible things. He wants me to surround myself with people, and especially a husband, who will lift me up in Christ and not drag me down to their level. Lastly, he spoke about Daniel exhibiting Plan-Stopping Behavior. That means that we were on the path and/or heavenly fathers plan for us and then we got married. So our plans joined together. But every time Daniel would emotionally abuse me, swear and call me names, not wear his garments ever, never work on strengthening his testimony with God, he would exhibit plan-stopping behavior. When he would exhibit that behavior, he would literally stop both of us on our path to heaven. Not only stop, but even go as far to have us pull away. That is why by the time I went to girls camp, it was so powerful to feel the spirit again because of the prolonged absence of it in my life. The last thing I want to do is start an eternal family with someone who doesn't have a relationship with God and breaks his covenants with the Lord. I know God has been trying to tell me from the very start of this relationship to not go forward any longer. That he has a much bigger plan for me to fulfill and that he needs Daniel to grow on his own before he can truly become a worthy priesthood holder and patriarch of a family. I spoke with my sisters about how I was thinking and feeling during that week and was so scared I'd go home and sweep those strong spiritual feelings under a rug and just go on with my life. Just like I had been doing our whole marriage..
Before girls camp ended, I had a priesthood blessing from some church leaders. It was so powerful for me. After that, I went to a bench in the woods alone and prayed and wrote about my feelings and what I knew to be true. That time alone was so vital to feeling God's love and peace. I know what I felt was true.
Saturday morning was hard. I had had so many spiritual experiences that I wouldn't be able to count it with all of my fingers and toes. I did not want to go home. I knew what was ahead of me and how hard this path was going to be. The only thing that kept me going was a perfect brightness of Hope. As soon as I got service on my cell phone I texted my mom and said "Mom I need you". I proceeded to let her know that I knew I needed to divorce Daniel and that I was so scared and didn't know what to do. When we got back my parents were there and we all went to lunch to discuss what to do. I wasn't really hungry. After that we went home and then my parents and I went to Daniel's house so I could just tell him.
Telling Daniel was hard. Yet, the very first time I told him I knew I was making the right decision. When I sat him down in our new living room the day after I returned from being at camp all week, he yelled, screamed and cursed at me. He said curse words at me and my family. He was mean and wouldn't even let me talk or explain. I just mainly told him that I have never felt the spirit so strongly before. He yelled at me to leave my phone and keys and cursed at me to get out of the house. He was shaking and I was honestly scared to move. He eventually left the room and I took my phone and keys and left. I walked out of the house and just started walking. Past my parents car down the street. I have never cried that hard my whole life. I felt as though my heart would burst and my head would explode. My mom tried to stop me and get me to go in the car but I just told her to leave me. I was sobbing uncontrollably until I finally stooped on the ground. I eventually went in my parents car and we drove home. Not even ten minutes later he was calling and texting me to please come back. He didn't apologize for the way he acted. All he said was that he wanted 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes to say goodbye. He would not stop saying he only needed 5 minutes. We had gotten all the way home and my parents were worried that I'd just take off and do something drastic. So they blocked in my car. I continued to speak with him for a long time on the phone. He cried a lot. I was a little emotionally raw. Eventually I agreed to go see him again. His mom had texted me saying that my car belonged to them. (which is did) So what we did was drive my car and my parents drove their car so that we could drop off my Hyundai Accent and leave it there. All this while I was so nervous for Daniel's life. He has threatened to commit suicide before so I was scared for his life. Of course all of this was bad timing.. His grandma had just been placed on hospice and was close to death. But I knew if I waited to tell him we needed to get divorced than I would ignore these promptings again. Regardless, I was SO scared. We went ahead and got everything out of my car and headed over. I told my parents it'd be more like an hour. I went in and he was upstairs. It was the weirdest hour and a half I've ever had. One minute he was sobbing saying he didn't understand. The next I would tell him some reasons and he'd explode and act irrational. My dad came in after 45 minutes to check on me. I was fine so he left to go wait. Daniel was packing to drive to Eureka, California that night. That is where his family had just moved and where he was born and raised. He was going to drive there to see his grandma. We hugged a lot and he kept saying he wanted to stay friends no matter what and that anything I needed to just let him know. I ended up telling him that I had feelings of doubt even before marriage. That was very hard for him to hear, as I can imagine. He didn't want to know that. Eventually he left and I left with my parents. All that night he called me and needed a friend. I tried to be there for him. My family and I went to "Finding Dory" that night to try to get my mind off of everything. Although that was pretty hard because Daniel and I always went to movies together. (it was one of his favorite things to do.) After the movie I had received many harsh texts from his mother and his grandma saying things along the lines of "Shame on you. You waited until we left town. How dare you. This is all your parents fault." That kinda proved how his family seemed to take care of the situation. Blame instead of trying to understand where I was coming from. When we got home Daniel and I talked all night until I passed out. I felt like he would crash and was scared for him.
Getting my belongings from Daniels house was hard. The day after we had spoke, was Sunday. (Obviously..) I woke up and there we about 6 different voice mails from him and he had arrived in Eureka, California safely. I felt so raw inside. My body ached. I felt physically and emotionally drained. I went to go talk to my parents about when we should do next. I felt strongly that I needed to explain further as to why we were getting divorced. I also wanted to get my belongings out of the house ASAP. We went to church and it was wonderful. I felt the spirit in sacrament meeting very strongly and it felt amazing to be with my family again. When we got home I sat down and wrote down a list of reasons why Daniel and I were getting divorced. There were about 15 big reasons why and that was just the very basic ones. I decided that I would call Daniel and let him know. I was shaking and very nervous because I knew what I was going to say would hurt him. I also had no idea how he'd react to what I was about to tell him. Maybe I'll write a post about the reasons later. But I got on the phone with him and told him I was going to explain. I got about one bullet point and a half down the list and he just wouldn't let me speak anymore. He yelled at me. Told me I had lost his friendship and that I would never hear from him again. He said that he was going to uproot himself and that we were through. He said more hurtful things that hurt because of the truthfulness. I know I wasn't perfect in our marriage yet he was magnifying all of my small mistakes and it hurt to hear. He eventually just hung up. I cried. But at the same time I felt like I did what I needed to and at least tried to explain to him, even though he wouldn't listen. After that, I knew I needed to get my stuff. So we took my parents 12 passenger van, my Hyundai (so we could leave it there), the twins, my parents and I headed to the Luna residence. Since I had been living there for the past 6 months of course I had a key to the front door. I knew Blake (Daniel's younger brother who is much taller and bigger than Daniel) would be there. So of course when we got in we started to pack up my things. Then Blake came down saying "Uhm, Excuse me?!" I proceeded to tell him I was just getting my stuff. He then went upstairs and called Daniel. I was shaking and a little light-headed. Not even a minute later he came down yelling at us to get out. Daniel was on the phone saying I could NOT get my things until he was physically there. We tried to reason with him and Blake but it just got worse. There were curse words involved and quite a bit of yelling. I ended up yelling back at Blake because it was hard enough to get my stuff let alone be disrespected so much. My mom tried to reason with Daniel but he just told her she had no right to speak to him.. After a little bit they were threatening to call the cops. But my dad was on top of it and had already started to call the sheriffs office to send someone over. My dad had tried to defend me but knew it wouldn't work. So then Blake pretty much kicked us out and told us we could wait outside until the cops came. He slammed and locked the door behind us. So there we sat with big black garbage bags and duffel bags waiting for the cops to come let me get my own personal belongings. All of a sudden a couple from my ward pulled up. They were really close with the Luna's so I'm assuming they called them. She walked right up next to me and acted very sweet and nice. She asked for the key to the house and wanted to calm Blake down. I trusted her. As soon as I gave her the key my heart sank.. She and her husband walked in the door and locked it behind them. We could he Blake yelling at them (because he thought it was us..) and then things went quiet. Eventually the cops came and they asked my dad first what was going on since he called 911. Then he brought the rest of us over away from the front door so they could go talk to whoever was inside. One cop went up to the front door and told them to open up. About a minute or so later they finally opened the door. The woman from our ward was on the phone with Daniel's mom and was telling the cop that I couldn't come in. She said that I declared divorce and I had NO right to be there. I thought she was my friend! She didn't even try to understand what I was going through. We could tell she was getting irritated with the cop because she kept nervously laughing and asking questions. Finally the cop said that it is Oregon Law that I have ownership to my own home. So we grabbed our stuff and went in to pack up my life. The lady from our ward talked to my mother-in-law the entire time while I packed and the couple watched every single thing we packed and took to the car. It hurts to think that they truly thought I would steal all of their belongings. It was so hard for me to separate all of our stuff. But we were done within an hour and a half. Before we left, that lady grabbed my arm firmly and said "Remember, in every situation there are two sides and two people who get divorced. It's not just you who is hurting." She said a few other things but that's what I remember. It was hard. I remember driving away and crying. But looking back I know that was the right time to get my belongings. I felt like I had left things, but it really didn't matter whether or not I left a few things or not. What mattered was that I was free and was following heavenly fathers plan for me. After getting home I worked on separating our stuff in my parents barn because that's where the bulk of our stuff was since we had been living in his parents house until they moved out.
Even within the 6 days of being separated from my husband, I have felt unconditional love and peace. I know that there is a path for me. I also know there is a path for my husband. I really truly hope he finds happiness in his life. I just know that we will not make each other happy. I always felt like he was held back by me, and that i was being dragged down by him. I hope that through this parting we can find peace. I hope and pray that he can realize why. I do not believe any woman should be married to a man who will disrespect her. I do not care how mad and hurt you are. I do not deserve to be treated like that in any situation.
I know this post must have been too much information. But it is information I needed to record. There is so much more to be recorded about the last few days, but that will have to be in the next blog post.
Today I went to the temple with my parents. It was so amazing. I am so thankful for having such incredible parents who love and support me. I'm also thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who gives me guidance and peace.
Thank you
Emmalyn
My name is Emmalyn. I told my husband of almost two years we needed to get divorced. Saturday the 25th of June was the day. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I received personal revelation at a young woman's camp for our church. I believe that I went off to this camp for a reason and that was so I could get away from the toxic relationship I was/am in and talk with my Heavenly Father. I know that God has been trying to tell me, even before I got married, to leave my toxic relationship and go off to do more in the world. I am a victim of emotional abuse. I have lived without the spirit of God in my life for about two years. It took me getting away to a calm spiritual place for a week to realize how much I was missing in my life. It took me getting away from that environment to notice how miserable, lonely, and depressed I had been in my relationship. I had a very low self-esteem. I have gained 30-40 pounds since dating him. I have had more self-doubt and loathsome thoughts about myself than I feel comfortable sharing. But that just became my reality. I never really realized how bad it got until I took a step back and felt like myself again. I've started losing weight within days of making the decision to leave him. It is so incredible to feel like I've finally acted on this prompting.
When I was at this camp, my responsibilities were to be a lifeguard and a camp mom. It was quite interesting that I got asked to be a lifeguard for this stake because I don't even go to church in this stake. But I guess they felt VERY prompted to have me there. People all week also told me they knew I was supposed to be there. I was very excited to be at girls camp with my twin sisters since I missed out on my only year I would've gotten to due to a severe car accident! I went to the camp and set up and everything. That first day in the first devotional I felt the spirit SO strongly and I knew I would get asked to bear my testimony. Right then and there I knew that week would change my entire life. I wasn't sure how and I didn't know what would change exactly, but I new my life was about to be dramatically altered. As the week went on, I kept receiving amazing spiritual revelations. Then one day Pres. Leptich, (the stake president at that time) pulled me aside and wanted to speak with me about how my family and my marriage were doing. I knew the spirit had prompted him to ask because I immediately started to cry. He listened to me talk about my marriage and how excruciatingly hard it has been. I remember quite a few things he said. But I'll just talk about three. First off was Marriage should be THAT hard. That really hit home for me. I feel like I have always known that marriage would be really hard. I always knew that it wouldn't be a piece of cake. Yet all throughout my marriage I felt like I was doing something completely wrong. Like I was always wrong. Everything was always my fault. We did counseling and it'd always be about me. I realized that maybe marriage shouldn't be THAT hard. It shouldn't feel like I'm worthless and have nothing to give to our relationship. It shouldn't feel like I have ruined everything just by trying to help. I know that everyone makes mistakes. I just also know that if you are trying to work things out with someone, you have to be humble enough to recognize your own faults and not just blame everyone else for your problems. The second thing he said was that Daniel sounded like a Project Husband. Now, that means that for the rest of my life, I would be working on him. I would be working on him physically, emotionally, spiritually. But I would never truly receive the love, spiritual growth and respect that I deserve. So every time a child would be born, it'd somehow be about him. Every time I'd write music, he'd try to be selfish about my time or get mad that it'd not about him. Eventually, who knows if it'd turn into being a project just to get him to go to church. I noticed that in our marriage. We never consistently prayed or read scriptures together. We only went to the temple twice in our whole marriage. We only paid tithing a handful of times He wouldn't wear his garments. Etc. etc. etc. For the rest of my life I would squash my dreams and goals to work on him. God has put me on this earth to do incredible things. He wants me to surround myself with people, and especially a husband, who will lift me up in Christ and not drag me down to their level. Lastly, he spoke about Daniel exhibiting Plan-Stopping Behavior. That means that we were on the path and/or heavenly fathers plan for us and then we got married. So our plans joined together. But every time Daniel would emotionally abuse me, swear and call me names, not wear his garments ever, never work on strengthening his testimony with God, he would exhibit plan-stopping behavior. When he would exhibit that behavior, he would literally stop both of us on our path to heaven. Not only stop, but even go as far to have us pull away. That is why by the time I went to girls camp, it was so powerful to feel the spirit again because of the prolonged absence of it in my life. The last thing I want to do is start an eternal family with someone who doesn't have a relationship with God and breaks his covenants with the Lord. I know God has been trying to tell me from the very start of this relationship to not go forward any longer. That he has a much bigger plan for me to fulfill and that he needs Daniel to grow on his own before he can truly become a worthy priesthood holder and patriarch of a family. I spoke with my sisters about how I was thinking and feeling during that week and was so scared I'd go home and sweep those strong spiritual feelings under a rug and just go on with my life. Just like I had been doing our whole marriage..
Before girls camp ended, I had a priesthood blessing from some church leaders. It was so powerful for me. After that, I went to a bench in the woods alone and prayed and wrote about my feelings and what I knew to be true. That time alone was so vital to feeling God's love and peace. I know what I felt was true.
Saturday morning was hard. I had had so many spiritual experiences that I wouldn't be able to count it with all of my fingers and toes. I did not want to go home. I knew what was ahead of me and how hard this path was going to be. The only thing that kept me going was a perfect brightness of Hope. As soon as I got service on my cell phone I texted my mom and said "Mom I need you". I proceeded to let her know that I knew I needed to divorce Daniel and that I was so scared and didn't know what to do. When we got back my parents were there and we all went to lunch to discuss what to do. I wasn't really hungry. After that we went home and then my parents and I went to Daniel's house so I could just tell him.
Telling Daniel was hard. Yet, the very first time I told him I knew I was making the right decision. When I sat him down in our new living room the day after I returned from being at camp all week, he yelled, screamed and cursed at me. He said curse words at me and my family. He was mean and wouldn't even let me talk or explain. I just mainly told him that I have never felt the spirit so strongly before. He yelled at me to leave my phone and keys and cursed at me to get out of the house. He was shaking and I was honestly scared to move. He eventually left the room and I took my phone and keys and left. I walked out of the house and just started walking. Past my parents car down the street. I have never cried that hard my whole life. I felt as though my heart would burst and my head would explode. My mom tried to stop me and get me to go in the car but I just told her to leave me. I was sobbing uncontrollably until I finally stooped on the ground. I eventually went in my parents car and we drove home. Not even ten minutes later he was calling and texting me to please come back. He didn't apologize for the way he acted. All he said was that he wanted 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes to say goodbye. He would not stop saying he only needed 5 minutes. We had gotten all the way home and my parents were worried that I'd just take off and do something drastic. So they blocked in my car. I continued to speak with him for a long time on the phone. He cried a lot. I was a little emotionally raw. Eventually I agreed to go see him again. His mom had texted me saying that my car belonged to them. (which is did) So what we did was drive my car and my parents drove their car so that we could drop off my Hyundai Accent and leave it there. All this while I was so nervous for Daniel's life. He has threatened to commit suicide before so I was scared for his life. Of course all of this was bad timing.. His grandma had just been placed on hospice and was close to death. But I knew if I waited to tell him we needed to get divorced than I would ignore these promptings again. Regardless, I was SO scared. We went ahead and got everything out of my car and headed over. I told my parents it'd be more like an hour. I went in and he was upstairs. It was the weirdest hour and a half I've ever had. One minute he was sobbing saying he didn't understand. The next I would tell him some reasons and he'd explode and act irrational. My dad came in after 45 minutes to check on me. I was fine so he left to go wait. Daniel was packing to drive to Eureka, California that night. That is where his family had just moved and where he was born and raised. He was going to drive there to see his grandma. We hugged a lot and he kept saying he wanted to stay friends no matter what and that anything I needed to just let him know. I ended up telling him that I had feelings of doubt even before marriage. That was very hard for him to hear, as I can imagine. He didn't want to know that. Eventually he left and I left with my parents. All that night he called me and needed a friend. I tried to be there for him. My family and I went to "Finding Dory" that night to try to get my mind off of everything. Although that was pretty hard because Daniel and I always went to movies together. (it was one of his favorite things to do.) After the movie I had received many harsh texts from his mother and his grandma saying things along the lines of "Shame on you. You waited until we left town. How dare you. This is all your parents fault." That kinda proved how his family seemed to take care of the situation. Blame instead of trying to understand where I was coming from. When we got home Daniel and I talked all night until I passed out. I felt like he would crash and was scared for him.
Getting my belongings from Daniels house was hard. The day after we had spoke, was Sunday. (Obviously..) I woke up and there we about 6 different voice mails from him and he had arrived in Eureka, California safely. I felt so raw inside. My body ached. I felt physically and emotionally drained. I went to go talk to my parents about when we should do next. I felt strongly that I needed to explain further as to why we were getting divorced. I also wanted to get my belongings out of the house ASAP. We went to church and it was wonderful. I felt the spirit in sacrament meeting very strongly and it felt amazing to be with my family again. When we got home I sat down and wrote down a list of reasons why Daniel and I were getting divorced. There were about 15 big reasons why and that was just the very basic ones. I decided that I would call Daniel and let him know. I was shaking and very nervous because I knew what I was going to say would hurt him. I also had no idea how he'd react to what I was about to tell him. Maybe I'll write a post about the reasons later. But I got on the phone with him and told him I was going to explain. I got about one bullet point and a half down the list and he just wouldn't let me speak anymore. He yelled at me. Told me I had lost his friendship and that I would never hear from him again. He said that he was going to uproot himself and that we were through. He said more hurtful things that hurt because of the truthfulness. I know I wasn't perfect in our marriage yet he was magnifying all of my small mistakes and it hurt to hear. He eventually just hung up. I cried. But at the same time I felt like I did what I needed to and at least tried to explain to him, even though he wouldn't listen. After that, I knew I needed to get my stuff. So we took my parents 12 passenger van, my Hyundai (so we could leave it there), the twins, my parents and I headed to the Luna residence. Since I had been living there for the past 6 months of course I had a key to the front door. I knew Blake (Daniel's younger brother who is much taller and bigger than Daniel) would be there. So of course when we got in we started to pack up my things. Then Blake came down saying "Uhm, Excuse me?!" I proceeded to tell him I was just getting my stuff. He then went upstairs and called Daniel. I was shaking and a little light-headed. Not even a minute later he came down yelling at us to get out. Daniel was on the phone saying I could NOT get my things until he was physically there. We tried to reason with him and Blake but it just got worse. There were curse words involved and quite a bit of yelling. I ended up yelling back at Blake because it was hard enough to get my stuff let alone be disrespected so much. My mom tried to reason with Daniel but he just told her she had no right to speak to him.. After a little bit they were threatening to call the cops. But my dad was on top of it and had already started to call the sheriffs office to send someone over. My dad had tried to defend me but knew it wouldn't work. So then Blake pretty much kicked us out and told us we could wait outside until the cops came. He slammed and locked the door behind us. So there we sat with big black garbage bags and duffel bags waiting for the cops to come let me get my own personal belongings. All of a sudden a couple from my ward pulled up. They were really close with the Luna's so I'm assuming they called them. She walked right up next to me and acted very sweet and nice. She asked for the key to the house and wanted to calm Blake down. I trusted her. As soon as I gave her the key my heart sank.. She and her husband walked in the door and locked it behind them. We could he Blake yelling at them (because he thought it was us..) and then things went quiet. Eventually the cops came and they asked my dad first what was going on since he called 911. Then he brought the rest of us over away from the front door so they could go talk to whoever was inside. One cop went up to the front door and told them to open up. About a minute or so later they finally opened the door. The woman from our ward was on the phone with Daniel's mom and was telling the cop that I couldn't come in. She said that I declared divorce and I had NO right to be there. I thought she was my friend! She didn't even try to understand what I was going through. We could tell she was getting irritated with the cop because she kept nervously laughing and asking questions. Finally the cop said that it is Oregon Law that I have ownership to my own home. So we grabbed our stuff and went in to pack up my life. The lady from our ward talked to my mother-in-law the entire time while I packed and the couple watched every single thing we packed and took to the car. It hurts to think that they truly thought I would steal all of their belongings. It was so hard for me to separate all of our stuff. But we were done within an hour and a half. Before we left, that lady grabbed my arm firmly and said "Remember, in every situation there are two sides and two people who get divorced. It's not just you who is hurting." She said a few other things but that's what I remember. It was hard. I remember driving away and crying. But looking back I know that was the right time to get my belongings. I felt like I had left things, but it really didn't matter whether or not I left a few things or not. What mattered was that I was free and was following heavenly fathers plan for me. After getting home I worked on separating our stuff in my parents barn because that's where the bulk of our stuff was since we had been living in his parents house until they moved out.
Even within the 6 days of being separated from my husband, I have felt unconditional love and peace. I know that there is a path for me. I also know there is a path for my husband. I really truly hope he finds happiness in his life. I just know that we will not make each other happy. I always felt like he was held back by me, and that i was being dragged down by him. I hope that through this parting we can find peace. I hope and pray that he can realize why. I do not believe any woman should be married to a man who will disrespect her. I do not care how mad and hurt you are. I do not deserve to be treated like that in any situation.
I know this post must have been too much information. But it is information I needed to record. There is so much more to be recorded about the last few days, but that will have to be in the next blog post.
Today I went to the temple with my parents. It was so amazing. I am so thankful for having such incredible parents who love and support me. I'm also thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who gives me guidance and peace.
Thank you
Emmalyn
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