Feeling Empty

I've been having very odd feelings.  I'm not entirely sure what is wrong.  But I'm feeling super empty inside.  It really hurts.  I just randomly cry a lot.  The times that I am happiest is when I am with other people.  But now I'm just home..  I am having a really hard time.  Sleeping without a man to hold me.  Not knowing what he is spending his time and money on.  Not knowing if he is with someone else yet or if he is waiting for me.  Not knowing what he's thinking and feeling.  It is SO hard.  I haven't felt this empty.  I am getting to be so sad.  It's hard to function.  I am still very heavy and I haven't lost weight.  I thought I did, but I haven't.  I just feel like I'm a fat woman who just left the only man she'll ever marry.  I KNOW that isn't true.  Yet that is how I feel right now.  It is so hard.  I know I have a bright future in front of me.  But I also just feel hopeless and sad.  I miss him.  I miss having him as my friend.  I just am having such a hard time letting go.  I know it is the right thing.  It just feels like a constant battle between my weak heart and my personal revelation knowledge.  I read a couple older journal entries in church today.  One was about how terrible my marriage was about how I really did know the spirit told me not to marry him before I did.  The other was about how much I love him and how much faith I had in our relationship.  It is so hard to know that all of that hard work, love, and all the tears I put into our marriage are gone.  It really feels like there is a hole inside my heart.  I know it is the right decision.  But sometimes it just really feels wrong.  I'm feeling lost.  Helpless.  Like somehow, even though I know this is right, that it'd be so easy to run away and fall in love with him again.  I can just imagine how good it would feel to just run into his arms and cry and hug and kiss.  And yet, it'd get to be horrible again.  I know he wouldn't change.  And if he did, it wouldn't be because he would want to.  It'd just be so that he can have me again. 

Part of me is also kinda scared of him moving on.. It sounds so selfish.  But I love that he does say he loves me.  Even though he didn't show it sometimes, he really did love me.  It really did feel like he cared about me and what I wanted in life.  I want him to have a good life.  I just am having a hard time of letting him go.  

This feeling of emptiness I hope will go away eventually.  I want to feel whole.  I know that through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ I can be whole again.  I am so thankful for my family and this gospel.   I already can feel peace when I just say that He is there for me.  I still have the emptiness, but I know that I will be ok. 


Emmalyn